I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me h ere with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
H is chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe
Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't al ways this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like m y dad
I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can
Then he stoppe d in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"
So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a prese nt for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!
Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses y ears I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end
But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a sh ort, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks m e better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grie f
To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side o f beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his he ad and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."
Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My onl y friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw
At first they're excited to see a tal king goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet
But you kn ow there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed o ut drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind o f music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music m ade me lose control
The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "Fuck ing crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they dan ced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goa t-ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed t hem with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the roc k 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me o nto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see
The Old Man swingi ng his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"Fuck you, pot-smoking turke ys!
Don't you press your luck!"
The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scram bled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the s acred law
No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!
"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"
"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain al cohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never wal k straight again
I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock
He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, onc e again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck
Goodn ight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat!
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